When Self Sabotage is Sabotaging

Updated: May 28

So, I have a powerful post I wrote after going through an intense 3 day trauma healing focused business webinar that triggered some mega shit for me. You know, fucking elephant in room size shit I had been avoiding for forever.


I'm scared AF to publish this post.


The traumatizing story of what happened and the true "reality" of having kept myself just getting by or in mutually beneficial relationships for more than 15 years.


A profoundly massive self sabotaging act of cutting myself off from my own flow of love and abundance in every possible way ~ ~ especially the flow of financial abundance and abundantly loving authentic intimate relationships.


I have to admit that my mind has gotten to be a pro a minimizing all I have been through.

I mean, it's not really a big deal compared to what some people have endured or still are enduring.


I only recently finally wrote a more extensive though still short bio and posted here on my blog.


And that's the thing for THIS post....

That when I came on here knowing I needed to schedule my post for this next week and how I'm not sure if I'm ready for the big one that's been written only to see and have triggered the whole "nobody is even really reading what I'm writing anyway so I can just skip it."


That's it.

The sabotage in action.

The sabotage is sabotaging.


I KNOW that if I "just skip" (as I also almost did LAST week!), I WILL most likely skip next week. And there befalls the pattern that is falling off.


And THIS is also why the fuck we pay coaches and mentors to keep us on track, too!


I was taught to believe that my voice didn't matter, my words, wants, wishes, dreams, talents, pains, heartaches, doubts... I was taught, like so many are, that I didn't matter. Which we ourselves then continue to amplify and affirm in our own minds and lives perpetually indefinitely.

Until we begin to see that we have the power to change EVERYTHING.


The power of CHOICE.


We get to choose to make a different choice in any given moment so to get a different outcome and experience another reality.


I was recently thinking what things might be like had I worked through my "not mattering" and my "worthless gifts" (writing) blocks and actually allowed myself to put all the amazing that has gone through my mind onto a surface for reflecting it out into the world.


Blogs, books and powerful poetry....


Even though I share so much of my life story with the world, I still fight to stay in the shadows.

Even though I desire to have a massive impact in this world, I still doubt my ability to do so.

Even though I am filled with so much to say and share, I often still have to push through the fear block of actually saying it.


I am choosing different, Goddess.


It's how I got as far as I have.

It's what most certainly works.


It's the quickest and easiest way to feel empowered.


To first say, I CHOOSE.

And then to MAKE A CHOICE.

The choice that feels the best to YOU.


Wait, though. Obviously, FORCING myself to finish and post a blog doesn't actually feel the best.


It's not exceptionally painful; however it is extremely uncomfortable. Literally. My body is not happy sitting here typing through this, lol. All my "aches and pains" are flaring at the moment.


Here's the thing though...


If I HAD been writing on my blog and just creating content here, there and everywhere NO MATTER WHAT, how many lives could I have impacted? How many lives could possible have been made so much better because they read about some crazy AF shit I did or went through and it gave them the answer they were seeking to feel better about their own self love empowerment journeys.


Does NOT pushing through and "making myself" post a blog this week then ALIGN with the vision I prefer? NOT AT ALL!


I MUST continue to make choices that align with the outcome I desire, no matter how my body wants to throw a tantrum because of the subconscious beliefs telling me I'm wasting my time. Grateful they are not nearly as loud as they used to be, obviously, however, there's always this whole "new levels, new devils" thing that really is a thing.


There will always be challenges to help to learn, grow, expand and ascend. So, you work through one and there's another. This is the journey of healing though. SO. MANY. LIFETIMES.


And this is also why it is so important to have clarity on what you desire to be experiencing and be working on how to be getting into alignment WITH that experience.


Thus, why I am flowing this post rather than forcing my other one yet making sure to HAVE a post to share. See how I was able to CHOOSE for myself a better feeling path?


Yes, it was a challenge to write this and I can't quite believe I'm still going, however, it is easier to feel ready to let you read it this week rather than my heavy traumatizing money story. I'm actually feeling to have my attorney read over it before publishing it to make sure it's, well, legal.


So, stay tuned for that, lol.


Remember, YOU have the power to create the kind of experience you desire.

You just gotta make the choice to act and be in alignment with what you desire.


Blog post done.

Thank you so much for flowing with me, Goddess.