He Really Did Blow My Mind

I want to say SO MUCH because there is SO MUCH happening right now!

I suppose it would be best to start back where I left off in my blogging journey. I supposed I SHOULD go back and read where that was....nah, to quote a favorite leading hypnotherapist I follow, "Should is shit!" So instead, I'm going to CHOOSE where to begin today's story....

On the stunning rooftop lounge of our amazing hotel in Goa, India. Truly an adventure of a lifetime. I am SO ready to go back....

I went to India in January. My first EVER International journey off the North American continent. I didn't even have a passport before this trip was inspired. In fact, I purchased the plane ticket BEFORE I even had my passport!!

Oh, and I manifested the EXTRA money, all government required travel documents AND the entire trip itself within ONLY 90 days.

Yes, even I am in awe writing it though I've shared it vocally countless times these past 6 months. WOW....it's been THAT long?

So much has happened....so so much....

This is when I see in myself to ask, WHY haven't I been writing my story as it has been unfolding?

Busy. So very busy. DOING so much and feeling like I've accomplished so little...until lately, anyway.

I'm getting excited to be even writing something that is beyond social media content. For me, this blog is outside that spectrum. Although, I DO share my story through those avenues, there's something soothing and calming about just putting thoughts onto a page with no intended "Call to Action" (business term for "here's my offer").

I have been so focused on business. FORCING things and actually believing that I didn't have the TIME to write as I so love.

All that is changing RIGHT NOW.

So, back to my story.....

That divinely guided trip was inspired by someone very special to me and we together have created an incredibly insane abundant life vision TOGETHER.

As a result of our massively amplified vision from that which I had previously held, shortly after my return to "normal" life, I began to be tested by my programs so intensely that I nearly threw him and our vision away. This beautiful thing that FEELS absolutely AMAZING. This incredible thing that is the very opposite the the life I had lived for so long.

He had officially opened me up.

My doubts, fears and sabotaging beliefs about myself, men, sex, love, relationships and about him BECAUSE of those beliefs, had finally been set free from their once stowed away recesses where I didn't have to look at them....where I once believed they could be hidden from me forever.

I had sworn I would NEVER give love another chance again. NEVER EVER EVER. Thing of it is, too, just before he magically appeared into my life, I had a solitary vision of my own I was EXCITED about. I really was. It was simple, calm and peaceful. I've lived A LOT of chaos and uncertainty. I guess I was excited about some predictability along with the peace.

I now know, predictable really isn't my thing so much. LOL. And peace can only be found within.

It wasn't even a month of chatting, videoing and flirting over Facebook (YES, we met on FACEBOOK!), when I booked my flight on October 30, 2018.

Even now, I feel the butterflies of anticipation that I felt that day. SO. MUCH. EXCITEMENT. And nerves and eagerness and certainty in the connection between the two of us. A SOUL connection like nothing I have ever experienced before.

But that connection almost wasn't strong enough to withstand the sabotaging doubts that plagued my mind, pained my heart and tortured my soul.....

After so many months of stress and doubt and wondering HOW we were going to make this vision happen (so NOT our job when you are intentionally creating your life!)....I actually became influenced by HIS energy rather than being more the influencER for him. I KNOW MANIFESTATION. I study it, practice it and integrate it into my coaching. I DID manifest a never before thought of for myself trip to India within 90 DAYS.

You see, I just turned 40 in May and he will be only 23 later this month. English is not his first language nor did he learn what he knows through structured teaching. He studied YouTube and while he does AMAZING, this language is complex, especially when you start talking woo woo, LOL. And I LOVE the woo-woo!!

I digress....

It was during the month of May, as I was experiencing SO MANY other awarenesses and shifts in various facets of my life that I was finally hit with the question, "Rachelle, what if he really DOES love you?"

Well, you see, a couple of the sabotaging beliefs I discovered I held were:

"Men don't have feelings"

"Men only want three things from me....my body, my skills or my resources."

So I went inward and asked WHY I believed such things, especially the first one....it was because "if men really had feelings, so many of them wouldn't have been able to do to me what they did."

Yet, I KNOW men have feelings and I KNOW many amazing men who have been and are, every one them, still genuinely my FRIEND and whom I've seen express REAL FEELINGS.

Both those beliefs discounted in one compound sentence.

Because OBVIOUSLY they who are my friends are not USING me to satisfy any particular need other than that which we ALL have which is to make a REAL CONNECTION and genuinely support each other in this human experience journey.

But with these kinds of sabotaging beliefs, we then take actions that align with them. Such as all the months leading up to this revelation, I had been undermining and questioning him the entire way with such statements as, "IF you want to be with me," "IF you love me," "IF I'm what you want," blah blah blah as I'm sure I said it many different ways.

When I asked myself to imagine for a moment what I would feel if someone I really DO love and very much want to be with had been doing that to me, I was so heartbroken.

It was so CLEARLY shown me by him all those months that YES HE DID want to be with ME. Things just got so stressful and busy for us BOTH that we hadn't been able to spend much time connecting since the trip.

And it took its toll as it allowed space for my doubts and fears to expand into.

So, there I was, in all my doubts, sabotages and painful wounds of my past, feeling as though I was going through the most devastating time of my life (though NOTHING compared to the horrors of my past!), not realizing that I WAS HEALING.

I was FEELING so much.....just as I was HEALING so much, shifting beliefs that were keeping me from the life I desire to live. And I didn't see this during the transitioning phase as I blamed this young man for causing me pain and crying EVERY DAY through the month of May that what was REALLY happening was the healing process.

You see, we cannot heal what we refuse to feel. And if we are closed off and resistant, then we cannot feel the very wounds we have hidden away within ourselves beneath avoidance, denial and detrimental beliefs that say to ignore it and it will go away.

This young man had exploded into my life in such a way that it split me wide open. And as such, my wounds were revealed, raw and unhealed. So onto him I did bleed as I blamed him for all the pain I was experiencing associated with men, love and relationships.

I have now come to see that he was the gift that inspired in healing in me. Had he never come into my life, I may have never known this space I now find myself in. For every perceived pain I pointed at him was, in truth, from a wound within myself rising to the surface to be healed.

Had I not been cracked open, I never could have known the beautiful freedom he has given me from the perceived shackles of my excruciatingly painful past.

Remember, I had sworn off ever opening myself to love again. It had been nearly as long at the age gap between us since I had a love interest. I had instead chose the path of an escort which is just fancy name for a prostitute, all those years ago after experiencing so much heart break, trauma, rape and abuse. I figured I could at least use the assets they wanted to my favor....but that's another story for another day. More for my book, really....so stay tuned.