A Twin Flame Karmic is a soul-contracted karmic connection
with whom BOTH parties have DIRECT interactions.
It's been many months since I sat to type out words to share here. So much has transpired and yet so much remains the same....
As of this morning, my beloved twin flame Arvi and I have not spoken in over a month.
And, I recalled how good it had felt a couple weeks ago when I blocked him.
It was like cutting off the energy I was sending him so suddenly I started to feel better.
I found it easier to focus on other things, especially things that felt good and had nothing to with him.
And so, this morning, I blocked him again.
This time, however, I know the process that unfolds within me and this time, you better believe, I am choosing to be the winner here by way of letting go of the way it is and the ways it has been so to be focusing on the boundless possibilities for what can be created to be.
Besides, it just hasn't much mattered that lines of communication have been wide open for many months. Really, it mostly just drove me NUTS that he said nothing, not even answering questions he very much knew the answers to about phones in India (for when I SOON fulfill my dream of sort of living there as I can stay up to 6 months at a time with my visitor visa).
Except this one time....
It was AH-MAZING when in July, he video called me and was so sweet and loving in telling me that I deserve all my dreams. Telling me that I am really awesome at what I do, I deserve to be happy and so many other mind blowingly loving and supportive things.... the EXACT list of descriptives in my previous month's New Moon Ritual manifestations for Manifesting Moon Cycle process.
It took only FOUR WEEKS to reap these phenomenal feeling results.
It was BETTER and FELT better than I had envisioned.
Then, as we often do like a baby learning to walk, I failed to maintain that EMBODIED state of being PERMANENTLY.
While cleaning out my phone gallery, at the first sight of old screenshots from conversations between each other and the triangle of that which was this often utterly devastating experience of lessons, I fell right back into the bullshit stories of the negative in our connection, in him and in me.... clearly to have an opportunity to dive yet even deeper still in the that which needs healing within.
Especially considering our last exchange of words yet again drug us into the abyss of his karmic embodied with the lessons of obsession, deceit and even outright delusion.
For starters, they never once met in person and their "relationship" online was so "serious" that my twin flame was keeping himself busy chasing other girls AND making plans to still escape with ME. (insert eye roll emoji here)
First, I'm feeling called to say in my own self-judging defense...
I am far from perfect. I let my underlying traumas lead even to infinite depths of detriment towards myself through lack of boundaries, self respect and above all, self love. You will hear me say how a twin flame journey is a self love empowerment journey on steroids. And this, undoubtedly led to the sabotaging of letting HIM love me in the very beginning which has continued to be a theme being that the depth to which my own self loathing once was carved out, so now to be being filled with HEALING LOVE.
However, along this healing twin flames journey I've slipped into the pain and sabotage so often through unloading my venomous anger, even if through channels he doesn't actually get to read (such as email DRAFTS that never get sent). This very anger most certainly having been fueled by this karmic that dug even deeper into the wounds that had already been revealed within each of us along the connected detrimental behaviors and patterns that then began to perpetuate between us.
And, I must confess, I have been feeding WAY too much damn energy to this multi-faceted multi-dimensional karmic we chose to experience in order to amplify the fuck out of the shit we BOTH would come to subconsciously and consciously choose to ignore on this twin flame journey ~~ the perpetuation of sabotaging thought/habit patterns fueling the destructive cycles/behaviors within each of us that keep us from feeling unconditional love for ourselves, let alone each other.
To self love ourselves into becoming TRULY liberated of the needy obsessive attachment of the EGO....especially to that which we have such a profound connection as twin flames. It is this attachment that causes and truly prolongs our suffering.
Pain is necessary for growth. Suffering really is optional.
Isn't it pretty fucking mind blowing to see how often we are subconsciously and even consciously perpetuating our own suffering by focusing on that which we are focusing on?
All that said, I feel it is time to just TELL THE MF STORY.... to can take you through the SHIT of this karmic experience followed by the SHIFT from struggle and suffering into surrender and sweet release.
I've wanted to tell if for some time however, even though in the beginning I was led to share so much of my and our incredible journey, I had many months of intense healing and shadow work to grow through which resulted in my pulling back on my sharing.
Between this connection in and of itself, building and growing a coaching business, serving coaching clients and my overall healing twin flame self love empowerment journey as a whole, I have had A LOT of shit coming up to be cleared.
DEEEEEEP shit... and this karmic soul contract my love and I share has sure AF been no MF walk in the park. It has, in fact, been excruciating AF and has had a MF field day with my DEEEEEEP seeded unworthiness.
Not to mention the beliefs about men.... the really quite appalling beliefs about men.
I am, after all, a former pimped out drug addicted prostitute who was raped, gang raped and in a long term abusive relationship three years before becoming said prostitute.
Maybe I thought that because my dad is and always has been such a stand up, stable guy as long as he's been my dad that ALL men were like that. Holy fuck, was I wrong. You mix THAT with the self-loathing I was already feeling for myself between school and my mother, I was the perfect point of attraction for the experiences I attracted.... constantly affirming my complete and utter lack of worth and deservedness for being loved.
Even though my dad was a great guy, my mother had made certain to tell me that I was her mistake and the reason for her unhappiness.
I tend to want to fill in a few blanks being that we ARE going to be exploring the beliefs, thoughts and behavior patterns sabotaging the experience I desire to be having, in particular, with my Divine Masculine. This means, I MUST shift things in ME before they can or will shift in HE.
I knew about her in June of 2020.
She discovered me in August, two months later.
I mean, I KNEW he was in his own dark night of the soul, spiraling, drinking every day, even watching porn, I'm sure, based on some of the things he would say when he'd call so intoxicated.
He's most definitely been rebeling with the sort of pressure placed upon him from birth to be forced into the life of his parents choosing with the limitations of their society's way of arranged marriages and extreme limits and conditions on love in general.
The very thing this karmic amplified.
You see, from the beginning he would say that his society would never accept us. This age gap between us of 18 years would get his family basically dejected from their community. So, I would pull back accordingly only for him to chase me and beg for me to continue to be always as we were.
I could always feel the battle inside him... the need to please his parents has always won over his desire to please himself....his desire to let himself love me yet he wasn't even loving himself.
This karmic became the mask for his love and desire for ME.
When this clarity download hit me, I was blown away....
He had taken all of OUR CO-CREATED vision of our SHARED dreams and inserted her by actually dictating to her about what they would do.
He wanted to run away with me to Bangkok in April 2020.
Obvious occurrences obliterated that option.
I STILL have my deposit and open dialogue with my hostess there, booked in early January.
We had explored plans for visiting Singapore while we were sitting in our hotel room in Goa TOGETHER.
Even though I figured out about HER in June, I kept my distance.
I do understand what separation phase fucking means.
I mean may have digitally "driven down his street" like the good ol days of heartbreak cruising, but I certainly didn't have any real need to be blocking his own healing and lessons undoubtedly happening for him...especially knowing he was drinking pretty much every day after work because he doesn't like being at home.
Not wanting to make excuses for his behavior but rather to understand WHY, I know from my own history of unhealthy coping choices that that's EXACTLY what he'd been doing.
He had lessons to learn with her that were not my place.
Until one day... SHE found ME.
It was on Instagram.
A message request as we were not yet connected at the time.
The biggest difference was that he and I planned to runaway traveling the world together where as the pressure to care for the family had clearly been building in addition to meeting the two major markers that I did not thus, she was being pleaded with to go there so he could at least get close enough to his dreams coming true while also fulfilling the requirements of his parents and society.
What two major markers did she meet?
One, she was of the right age. Perfect age, in fact, at only 25, just 1 year older than Arvi.
Two, she had long dark hair with a slightly darker complexion and would therefore be far more suited for "fitting in" to their society.
She and I had quite the exchange that day.
The Instagram messaging turned into a Zoom call that evening and for around two hours, I and my twin flame's loosey-goosey "most serious" online karmic fling had a quite a experience.
We were going to send him a photo of us on this Zoom call so he could see how his own self sabotage was destroying his house of cards created also by the same sabotage of Self. She really wanted to rub it in that we were literally hanging out on Zoom, smoking weed together, lol.
However, I just couldn't bring myself to follow through with sending the email. I really didn't actually WANT to intentionally cause him pain. I have always KNOWN he has severe self worth and self confidence challenges.
That said, being where I was and already aware of her, I was eager to see if she'd be down for making a YouTube video together talking about karmics, twin flames, how he treated us both and most certainly what all this has taught us and where our power is in all of it.
She, instead, was more keen on the idea of "putting him on blast" and telling the world how bad of a person he is. Bringing sole focus to him being "a lier and very manipulative".
While, yes, he sure AF told countless lies, I was also aware of WHY he lied so much. He HAD opened to me during our time in Goa, when he felt truly safe to BE open.
He's not so sharing of his true vulnerability when he's in an online space and lives in constant state of not enoughness, not smart enough and all other things connected to unworthiness.
In the end, while she wanted nothing to do with him, she soon revealed she wanted nothing to do with me as long as I had anything further to do with him.
By noon the next day, she made the decision to sever ties with me, too, because I wasn't going to abandon him for her... even though, in some ways, he had certainly abandoned me.
Looking back countless times, I will not deny or pretend that I didn't think that maybe choosing her just may have been the better option.
Especially as I sit here having blocked my love this morning and having been long since disconnected from her now more than a year, I am physically connected to neither of them.
Yet, I am feeling pretty damn good about current circumstances.
I'm just tired of going in these circles both with you and with myself, my love.
I know I can admit that a completely detached separation has not truly occurred for any real length of time therefore, there are clearly wounds and traumas that need healing yet are not able to be healed so long as the cycles and patterns persist.
This resistance to let himself be in his power is clearly mirroring the ways I'm doing the same to myself. One of these is to truly ALLOW for this "space" between us so I can FULLY focus on what I am creating, be truly rising into my power of that which is my soul purpose and twin flame mission no matter what the fuck he may ever do or not do.
My amazing AF life is NOT dependent upon HIS participation in my physical existence.
It's almost a bit of weight lifted to just LET GO and be like, FINE, mother fucker.
Time for you to really know what my being "gone" is really like.
I have far more important things to be giving my energy and attention to around here.
It's time for a major reboot. Clean out the bugs, so to speak.
As I'm getting back to lining up with and manifesting my greatest vision yet, it is one that does NOT require him to be in the picture while at the same time, I admit, it would be amplified beyond infinitely divine if he ever DID join me on this "very similar to OUR journey" journey.
One thing IS for sure though... it's MF TIME for ME to know all the ways I can better love myself as a result of our interactions with each other and this karmic surprise that I'm so fucking ready to transmute right the fuck out of our connection once and for all!! Then integrate all the lessons and LOVE that comes from it.
Check out Part 2 for the SHIFT side of this story, coming soon!
You've just finished the SHIT side...like, the 'shit that went down' stuff, lol.
All the stinky SHIT I know I really would have preferred not to go through.
However, I do know for certain that we must go through something to grow through it....
hence, going through the shit to get to the shift.