Updated: May 28
EVEN THOUGH I DOUBT, I STILL BELIEVE
Is there something wrong with me!? No, no I am quite certain not. I know the size of these dreams I once had. I know the size of the dreams I am beginning to allow myself to have NOW. And oh yes, the size of the dream it was to manifest flying around the world in under 90 days. I confess....
I have been frightened by this power I discovered within myself. With big power comes big responsibility. The biggest responsibility being not giving a rat's ass what other people think. I know I have been all over the place with this #twinflame stuff. I shared an the #angelnumbers incident from earlier tonight in my Instastory. I can't get away from it. I see him EVERYWHERE. I see my business and what excites me there and the personal side ALWAYS has him. Otherwise, I'm only interested in my business. But oh this vision feels so good. It feels so right. It has from the beginning. And even I know I have to work through the age thing because it really is only an issue if WE make it. I believe it is a HUGE part of our #twinflamemission to rewrite the right to choose no matter what age we are as adults. The pull between us really is incredible. I did not imagine, in the midst of my own pain over it, that he too was hurting just as much. Oh the things he has been told about himself and about me. I hear and feel the desire to be with me in his words. I feel it in my heart and solar plexus, especially. A literal TUG..... I keep hearing #abrahamhicks say, "You're just taking score too soon." I recall how I had to be beat down to then rise stronger. A fighter soul can and only will take so much. I know for sure, he is my love, my #twinflamelove and I will always be here loving him and shining a light for him to find his way from the darkness in which he finds himself. I know my pain is MY pain. Only I created and perpetuated the stories that he didn't want to be with me. YES HE DID and yes he still does. I let my doubts and fears sabotage it so very big. Even doubting in everything I know, all the signs, all the trusting and surrendering and saying YES. Instead of letting myself heed the excited, crazy, scary AF call of my soul..... what FEELS good, I fell deep into paralyzing FEAR. The very place where HE is. I know I am strong enough to pull us BOTH out of this. I only have to keep my focus and commit to the work needed on MYSELF to achieve it. And biggest of all, have the damn vision and just keep focused on it no matter what! I just gotta keep reminding myself, it's how I fucking got to India!!!! I stayed focused and TRUSTED COMPLETELY in the Universe, him and myself. EVERYTHING worked out so beautifully. I manifested the hell out of it and I've been scared AF to do it again.... to do the vision WITH HIM.... that which would be our #twinflameunion. This is how law of attraction works anyway. Gotta keep focused while the Universe does its thing! We had such incredibly massive dreams, and yes I'm well aware I'm affirming the "out of reach" energy there. He is so outnumbered where he is. It just breaks my heart how horribly down on himself he is. As mirrors, it explains A LOT about my recent state of being these past few months. The work on myself has been so excruciating. He's been so far away for so much of it and all I wanted was to talk, to know he IS there. This has greatly impacted some of the stories I thought I had worked through before he and I went downhill. They came back with a vengeance. I turned away from the twin flame story. I wanted to doubt it, sabotage it, say it can't be real, it's stupid and there's no such thing. Yet I KNOW deep inside me, HE IS PART OF ME. And knowing he is in darkness, I can never abandon him. As painful as it would be to watch him sacrifice himself into bondage (because it was NEVER about him marrying me, even though we discussed it, for sure), it would hurt more to know I abandoned him. He knows the fate of his life if he does what his parents are demanding of him. To hear him speak is devastating to my own soul. I am more determined and committed than ever to be there for him, build him up as they tear him down. In my own pain and anger, I confess have aimed much at him. I have bled on him far too much from wounds he never caused. FAR too much. I am owning this. I have let many of my stories run away from me lately. I have stood in the way of my own progress, delayed my own inevitable success. All because of DOUBT, believing I wasn’t good enough for him or our incredible vision or even my incredible calling as a self love empowerment coach. Yet, I know I am MORE THAN worthy of all this and more. If I want it, I CAN FUCKING HAVE IT.
Meeting him in Goa showed me this. I SO BELIEVE we can still have our vision! He only must find his brave, step into his power and LEAVE. Oh, but they have beat him down. They have deflated him so incredibly much that on one hand they tell him he is just a kid (in reference to the age difference between us as I AM OFFICIALLY CERTAIN he told them about how he felt about me. THAT did not go over well AT ALL.) and on the other had he is already made responsible for his entire family. They are manipulating him so painfully much that I hurt on his behalf so intensely.
It does now all make so much more sense as to how things have happened the way they have.
I LOVE Abraham Hicks so very much and I am grateful to keep hearing two very important things throughout this journey with my sweet love,….
“You don’t get in the way of each other’s reality, you only get in the way of your own reality.”
AND, again, “You’re just taking score too soon.”
With that, I’m getting off the subject. Parts of it do not feel good.
I am practicing the pivot.
I am choosing to believe what I know to be true, what I FEEL. And never again am I going to let the ramblings of someone else, someone's society or even my own mind to burst that balloon again. I want to feel good while I am here in this world so that’s what I am going to to CHOOSE to do. It's how I got to him the first time. It is how I will do it again.
What about you? What are you going to choose for your human experience?